He Is Love
by HumHowellelujah
Summary: In which Dan can't physically tell Phil how grateful he is to have him. He decides to write it out instead.


**He Is Love**

**Summary: **In which Dan can't physically tell Phil how grateful he is to have him. He decides to write it out instead. Based on "She Is Love" by Parachute.

**Genre:** Fluff

**Words: **2014

**Warnings:** None

Dan set the pen down and let out a loud sigh. He cracked his knuckles before picking up the paper he was just writing on. He had to make sure there were no mistakes and that he didn't miss out any important details. After rereading the paper four times, he decided he was finished.

He wondered how he could get Phil to read the sheet of paper. He thought that maybe he could just shove it into his hands or leave it in Phil's room to read later. But to be quite honest, Dan didn't think Phil would read it that way. And he most definitely did not want to be in the room when Phil was about to read what Dan had just wrote for him.

Dan sighed. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to do this anymore. Would Phil even care? Dan shivered at the thought of it. But of course he would care. He's his best friend and one of the main reasons why he's how he is today. Without him, Dan would be nothing.

He groaned and said, "Right, fuck it."

He sat up from his desk and slammed the paper down. "Phil?" He called out.

"Yeah?" He heard a muffled reply followed by loud footsteps coming towards his room.

Phil peeked his head through, "You need something?"

Dan turned around. "Uh, yeah. Could you read something over for me? I need to make sure it's right but I have to use the bathroom right now."

Phil gave him a confused look but nodded anyways. "Sure. What is it for? Is it a script for your next video?"

"Yeah, sure. I gotta go now. Thanks, Phil," Dan said over his shoulder as he sprinted out of his room and into the bathroom.

Dan left the room and Phil took the piece of paper in his hands. He began to read it but stopped. He stared confusedly at the paper before rereading it again.

"_Hey Phil. There are so many things that you do that I appreciate and I cannot bring myself to physically say it to you- I'm such a fucking nerd. Even though I'm writing this, it's still hard for me to explain it."_

This was certainly not Dan's script. What was this even? Why was Dan writing this and actually gave it to Phil? Did Dan make a mistake and accidentally gave him the wrong sheet of paper? Phil wanted to ask Dan, but after reading just the first few sentences, he doesn't think that he can stop. Phil looks around the room and glances outside of the hallway to see if Dan has returned yet. When he figures that maybe Dan wouldn't want to be back for a while, he sits down and continues to read.

"_Right, let's start to the very beginning. Before I first met you, I was a disaster. I was broken beyond repair. I can't count all of the times I've wanted to not live anymore. Isn't that sad- isn't that sad that people actually want to do things like that? Because I sure as hell do. Life was bland and life was boring. What would I do after I graduate from a school that I would work so hard on to get into, that I will _waste_ all of my time on? What was the point?"_

Phil continued to read. He looks up to make sure Dan still has not come back yet. Phil is still confused as to why Dan wrote this. What could this possibly mean?

_"I don't know what it was or how it came to be, but I once stumbled across your videos. I actually felt content with everything for once. The videos were a distraction. Everything felt good when I found myself staying up late at night to watch all of your videos. God, that sounds really creepy now, doesn't it?"_

Phil gave out a soft laugh but continued on.

_"Well, so yeah. At first, the videos were just distractions. But then I got so attached. I was almost obsessed. But I never thought of it as a bad thing, and you never did either. In fact, you were ecstatic; not about the obsession part, I mean, you were just glad that you had such a dedicated fan. And I was happy too."_

Phil's eyebrows quirk in confusion. He still had no idea what Dan was on about. He figured by now that Dan had intentionally gave this to him for him to read, but still didn't quite know what the reason was. His lips turned into a soft smile as he read the next couple of sentences.

_"Then I had the luxury of actually meeting you in person. I was so nervous that day. Could you tell? I was fidgeting so much, wasn't I? I thought you would finally see what kind of person I was and run away from me. But you never did. I felt like I was on cloud nine. Nothing could get any better. But it did- when we started doing collabs with and visiting each other more often. And because of that- because of our collabs, I started getting more attention. It felt amazing to see how people enjoyed my channel and my videos. I often saw positive comments about my channel, but of course, there were always some people who were just down right rude. But no matter how many hate comments I got, somehow, you were always there. You took it for me. You took all of the hate away. All I ever understood at that point was love."_

Phil's eyes widened in shock.

_"It wasn't until a couple of months into university that you saw me in my 'existential crisis'. No matter how much of a distraction you gave me, I still couldn't ignore the fact that I would be dead one day and life is pointless. I was afraid you'd think I was weird and had some sort of psychological problem. But you never did. You comforted me through and through and I couldn't have asked for anything better. Your encouraging words always made me feel like it was worth it. You always made me believe that everything was worth it. I just had to live long enough to see it. And boy, did I see it. I freaking _lived_ it. I don't know how we could get to where we are today without you and your help._

_"There were some other times though. I'd act like a brat. I never deserved to, and you never deserved it. How you even put up with it, is a reason beyond me. However, you were so patient- so kind and patient. And when I argued with you, and you knew I was wrong, you never yelled back. I never felt scared with you. You would always guide me along the right side and helped me through things. For the longest time, I've always felt insecure about everything about myself. But then with your help, I learned that I didn't need to be anymore. Because it didn't matter what other people said about me. Because those people never mattered. All I wanted to matter was you. And I knew you would never leave. You're just too great to do something like that. Even if the moon was falling, or if the sun was dying, you wouldn't ever leave, and that's just how you are. And that's what I love about you._

_"But I don't think you understand, Phil Lester. You've helped me in so many ways, in ways I can't describe. And when I ever feel down, that's all I will ever think about. It would be all that I will ever need. Thank you, and thank you for always helping me when I couldn't help myself. I believe that everyone should have someone like you in their life. They should have someone that loves them, and of course, someone to love them back. Thanks for being that person, and by now, I don't think there should be any denying of it. Thank you for loving me and making me feel like I deserved it. And I will try to do my hardest to give you the love that you deserve. - Dan Howell."_

Phil felt himself shaking. He didn't realize his hands were shaking until a wet moisture dripped onto it. He touched his face and saw that he was indeed crying. He began laughing. It was a laugh that was filled with tears. At first it was a quiet giggle, but soon erupted into a full on roar of laughter. Phil didn't understand what was so funny, and frankly, he didn't really care. He didn't care that Dan might come in and hear him right now. He didn't care if his neighbors could hear him.

Phil was happy. What Dan doesn't know, is that Dan doesn't have to try, because he already does his best and that's more than enough. Phil never minded doing the things to cheer up the younger boy. Seeing him sad made him in pain as well. He could never stand it and always made a full effort to make Dan the best he could be. He's quite alright with how things have become. And now that Dan has acknowledged this, he feels even more content. Dan was always full of surprises, and this one surely beat the rest. It was rather a pleasant surprise though. Phil couldn't help himself from grinning. The happiness overwhelmed him and he was actually glad that Dan appreciated him. It was nice that his efforts hadn't gone to waste.

Phil decided that he had spent enough time laughing to himself so carelessly and that it was time that he should confront his friend. With the paper in hand, he went down to the bathroom door and knocked.

"Dan? Are you still in there?" He asked.

"Huh? Uh, yes..." Dan replied with a slight shake in his voice.

Phil noticed this. "Are you alright?"

"Yes-! Yes, I'm fine. I'm good," Dan said too quickly.

"Do you want to open the door for me?"

Dan hesitated, "No..."

"Does that mean yes?"

"... Yes."

Phil heard a soft click, indicating that the door was now unlocked. He slowly opened the door and behind it, he found Dan sat on the floor with his arms cradling his legs. Dan looked up and Phil could see the anxiousness in his eyes. Phil's eyes softened as he crossed the bathroom and sat next to Dan on the tiled floor. Dan's gaze shifted to the sheet of paper in Phil's hand, waiting for Phil to say something.

"Want to tell me what this is all about, Dan?" Phil asks.

Dan looks away and mutters, "It's a… thank you note kind of thing."

Phil puts his hand on Dan's shoulder. "Hey, Dan?" Dan looks to him. "You're welcome, and thank you too. You know you don't have to feel awkward about this."

"I know! I just- I don't know. I don't know why I wrote it. I was just thinking about how far I've come and I know it's all because of you and I don't think I say thank you enough."

"You don't have to. You already do. It's fine. And I don't mind if you need to lean on me sometimes. I'd rather you do that than be so sad all the time." Phil smiles at him. "We'll get through things no matter what, and like you said, I will always be there for you. I hope you know that I like being here and you don't ever have to blame yourself for anything."

Dan began to laugh. "I still can't believe any of this. How are you so amazing and so good to me?"

"I'm _AmazingPhil_. It's my job." Phil gives him a cheeky smile.

Dan smiles back. He leans his head on Phil's shoulder. _Of course Phil can say something like that in a situation like this, _he thinks. "Well then. Thank you, Phil."

Phil leans into his touch. "You're welcome, Dan."


End file.
